**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
