So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
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To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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