the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Dear god my vagina.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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