she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
