Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
