I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You're like the curious george of whores
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
