Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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