she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
