aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
