paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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