onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
