I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
