omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
