My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
