You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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