Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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