I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
