the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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