Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
