i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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