I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
