I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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