my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
