All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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