Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
