Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
