You're my little dorito
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
