He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
