Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You took a bar mat shot.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Randomize
