so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
this is an emotional support booty call
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
