You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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