your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
