explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.