Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day