she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
