You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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