Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
