i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
