Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
