I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
