I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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