It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He called his prostate his "boner button".
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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