cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
