She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
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You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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