I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
