Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How external is "for external use only"?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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