i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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