When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
