woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
