My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
