Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
