During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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