How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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