i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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