My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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