shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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