he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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