Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
